No 2nd Chances

Me and some friends were talking about relationships and stuff in the car. One of them asks me: "Jayce do you believe in second chances?" I told him no. And then I thought it was kinda funny that I don't. Why? Even if you're not asking why I will tell you why. We are talking about Jayce Kim Spiva. Mr. Hopeless Romantic. He believes that everyone has a soul mate that they are destined for and he will search for her and he finds her he will marry her. (One of my friends described me with pretty much those exact words in an essay back in freshman year of high school). However, being Mr. Mushy you think that I would be one of those people that would believe in second chances. Y'know at some point I think I did. I decided to give this one girl another shot since she's been going from bad relationship to another bad relationship and I thought I would be able to be the one to "fix" her (I'll write about "fixing girls" some other time). However, I ended up getting my heart broken again. This time I actually cried a bit. I didn't really cry it was more like a subconscious like cry. (The only scene that comes to mind is in Kingdom Hearts 2, when Sora is leaving Twilight Town for the very first time after meeting the Twilight Town gang and he just starts shedding random tears. Just like that.) I was just shedding random tears and I thought to myself "What the hell? Why am I crying?" Since that moment, I guess I just don't believe in second chances anymore.

Couple reasons why I brought this up (other than the fact that i think this is worth reading about). This topic was brought up yesterday and I'm considering giving a different girl another shot because it felt like her "rejection" wasn't really a rejection. I just needed to think out loud on a keyboard.

In Memory of my First Car

Those of you who have known me for a very long time no that my ACTUAL first car is a '90 Toyota Camry but it got stolen and messed up seriously within days of me getting my permit. But the rest of you know that my first car is a 2000 Honda Civic DX. Not so many of you know that about 3 weeks ago I got rear ended by some Mexican girl on her cell phone on my way to school. So now my car is "totaled" and I've been without a car since then. I am unable to drive myself to school, work, church, and/or to hang out with friends. I am not able to drive around and give people rides and drive drunk friends home (you know who you are). Many of you know how much I complained about the car and all the problems it gave me and such. Therefore many of you know how ungrateful I was to have a car that got me from point A to point B without any major problems. Well, now that it's gone, I now truly see how ungrateful I was to my parents for even getting me this car. And if I really think about it, I have lots to be thankful about BECAUSE of this car. There were alot of firsts in this car. First car. First race. First accident (NOT race related...kinda). First female passenger. First time sleeping with a girl in the car (LITERALLY sleeping. As in napping before class.) First parking ticket. First time being pulled over by a cop. First flat tire. First oil change. First tire change. And the list can actually go on. So...I guess I should say: Thank you, car, for everything that you've done for me these past 3 years.

She's a Lady

Yes it is somewhat in reference to the song. I spent the first "real" day of my spring break at UCSD with my good friends from high school. Lots of this trip was spent talking about relationships and whatnot. And in the midst of it all, me and one of my friends "Winter Snowfestival" were somewhat amazed that our other friend from highschool "Flower Waterlily Pearl" has somehow turned more feminine. Living with them for like a day I was amazed to see that Lily had indeed become more feminine. She can cook, she can clean, she can take care of me. So our dear Lily has wife potential. I now feel bad and take back those immature things I said back in the day such as: "I'm gonna feel so sorry for your boyfriend/husband cuz all you do is beat on guys." "You're too dominant." and things like that. Horrible grammar and poor usage of punctuation marks aside, she ended up not too bad. Guys going after Lily watch out man, she doesn't have one older brother, not two older brothers, but THREE older brothers with their protective eyes on you guys!

Perfection

Dang it's been awhile since I last updated my blog (almost an entire year ago!) and I'm sorry that after pretty much a year long hiatus I come back with a post that is very similar in nature to my "being immature" post. Most people know me for ALWAYS having girl problems in some way, shape, or form. And yknow I think one of my problems is that I think I try too hard to look for perfection. I tell people I know there really is no such thing as that "perfect person." However I've told people (and I've also been quoted) that "there is that special someone for everyone in the world." (Person that quoted me goes on to write: "...and when Jayce finds that girl he is going to marry her." Straight up. Like a boss.

Now going back to perfection. I'm pretty sure I know and believe that it is impossible to find that "perfect" girl that is "perfect" in every aspect. Something will always have to be compromised. In my case, she may not be Korean. She may not be super-intelligent (yeah, like I am). She may be super-ditzy and not have much common sense. She may not have ANY musical aptitude. She may be a total flake and never be on time to anything. She may be taller than me (without heels on hahaha). Her sizes may not be 34-24-34 (I said PERFECT girl rite?). *Gasp* she may not even know God and know that He sent His Son Jesus Christ to die for our sins so that we will be saved from eternal damnation in Hell (at first anyways).

Maybe I'm still looking for a girl that satisfies many of those things listed above. Even though I think I've become much less picky from when I was younger (what could I possibly know back then?) maybe I'm still way too picky and maybe totally staring at this girl and not realizing it...she could be you.

I Think Way Too Much...When I Actually Think

I think (haha "think") I need to think in more simple terms. I always tend to over complicate things. My thinking becomes like the stream of consciousness technique usually related with James Joyce except way more confusing and very contradicting itself. Why am I writing this nonsense at 8 in the morning? Because I am thinking WAY too much and not really DOING anything. I'm the type of person that likes to go into things as prepared as possible and with every possible scenario already played out in my head. But yknow, looking back, all the scenarios I come up with in my head are useless because things never go how I thought they would go. Even out of all the possible scenarios none of them actually occurred. Anyways WHAT am I thinking about? This totally awesome girl that trumps me in lots of different ways and I guess I'm suffering from an inferiority complex because I know that I am not where I'm supposed to be. I should be getting ready graduated from my undergraduate studies but I am not. My grades should be pretty good but they're not. My life should not be in shambles but it isn't. My friends wonder why I haven't made an actual move yet. Lemme ask you this: If you know that you aren't in the position you should be in, do you think you can proudly call yourself boyfriend/girlfriend of so-and-so? You think friends and family of so-and-so will accept you when you currently are not as appealing as you should be? Yes, there is the flipside in which so-and-so and friends and family won't care too much because they all have faith in you that you will succeed but really? I dunno if I would be comfortable in that situation, but I DO know that I don't wanna just give up. But that's just being selfish: not thinking about her feelings. OH that and friends little sister blabbed everything...which is a bad thing...I think. Like I said I think WAY too much. Instead of typing this stupid blog post I should be being more proactive and aggressive.

You Will Now and Forever Be a Child

So I was in at work (44 minutes late!) around 5:45am at Einstein Bros. Bagels (in Irvine) still barely awake and just running on autopilot. My mind was everywhere except at work and I came to the conclusion that if one has to say: "I am not a child!" or something of the sort, then that individual is still a child. Think about it. Remember when we were all younger and we all wanted to be treated as adults? We would say things like "I can do it myself 'cause I'm a big kid." or something like that, right? I realized that I'm still kinda doing that. My parents are constantly reminding me to do things and I am constantly reminding them that I'm no longer a child but a [man-child] adult. I'm used to hearing things like "You will always be my baby" and other cheesy phrases like that but y'know, really think about it. If you want to prove that you're no longer a child, you can't do it with words. You have to do it with actions. And if people fail to recognize those actions, you can't resort to words to prove your maturity. You can't do anything. It's complicated and kinda doesn't make much sense but keep playing out scenarios in your mind. I dunno about you guys but this really bothered me because most of my childhood was about proving myself. Proving that age doesn't matter. That I was fully capable of achieving the same things people older than me can achieve. That I was just as good even at a younger age. Even in personal relationships, I have this weird trend in which I will fall for a girl a little bit older than me (which is apparently a common characteristic in Korean guys born in the year 1989. Go figure.) Even though I am a little bit younger (ranges from a few months to a couple years), I want to show her/them(?) that I'm not very different from the guys their age. I am just as mature if not more mature and I have just as much potential as those guys that much older than me. The only difference is age (and sometimes time which is sometimes important but that's not the case here...). So coming to the conclusion that I can pretty much never escape the "I'm not a child" or "Don't treat me like a child" declarations is a little bit frustrating. What's my point? Not really sure. I just thought that this was worth mentioning because I am so important. (Sarcasm people, sarcasm).